Chicago wasn’t for me. I felt a cool breeze pushing me away, but the call of the west kept me warm. I couldn’t afford the bus fare and instead tried my hand at hitchhiking. All of the comments from my mama snuck into the back of my mind, I stayed on the lookout for groups of women as well as families. I never understood why women weren’t seen as terrifying as men- I frankly found it insulting. It took longer than I’d like to admit, but finally, a car moaned to a stop by my feet. It was the color of a moldy vegetable, but I saw a family of four with gleaming smiles and decided it was the only way. I sandwiched myself between the kids and felt an imbalance between the energy of the front and the back.
In the front, their faces were plastic, their grins unnatural. In the back, they were slouched with permanent frowns.
The next few hours passed like a blur. They began singing songs old enough that my mother would have felt young. But, they sang like they were the only two left on earth. At this point, their fake happiness began to blur with true joy. Maybe there was something to ignoring pain.
As my thoughts filled my vision, I felt the head of the child fall heavy on my shoulder. I came to full alert and focused all of my energy on keeping her safe in sleep. It was like she trusted me with this task, an unspoken agreement. I felt her breathe go in and out and wondered what she dreamed about. She couldn’t have been older than twelve, what thoughts occupied her mind? I started to go further and further into a place of wonder and protection for this young girl I didn’t even know. Is this what motherhood is? I suddenly longed to race back to New York and back to his apartment asking for forgiveness, sinking into the role he wanted me to play. Why did I leave? The American Dream is a myth, everyone knows it...
The car pulled to a rapid stop, and her head snapped upright. She fell back asleep, but this time leaving her trust in the cool window.
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