Rocky Mountains

I felt like I was waking up in the early morning from a deep sleep. The way the sun pressed against my face felt so surreal that I couldn’t identify the feeling fully. The air smelled crisp and new, and I hated myself for disturbing the serenity. I jumped at the honk from the car behind me.

Staring back were the two males, clearly of a more outdoorsy variety. I hated how I stumbled over my words when they questioned the weight of my pack. Why, for once in my life, couldn’t I have been confident and secure and proud in the presence of men? They drove a minivan and the sides were splattered with the mud and memories from past excursions. I lifted up my hand yet again to give a “carefree” wave and I saw them look at each other and decide they could leave. I wondered how their discussion went. Did they want to stay to make sure I knew what I was doing? Did they worry about my safety? Did they want me to pay them for the ride? Was it all because I was a woman alone?

I stared the driver down indignantly, so they sped off. Then, I sized up my newly purchased pack and heaved it onto my shoulders and started down the path.

Drastically different than the rest of my trip, I was ready to really be alone without reliance on those around me. At the last motel, I saw a sign for a forest trail in Colorado and was able to get gear from the family of an old coworker.

In just a small stretch of time, I could feel the cries in my feet and bend in my back. For as long as I could I focused on other things like the sound of the breeze and smell of pine, but my inner weakness kept pushing back. I could hear my inner critic telling myself I was too small, too late, too weak, too dependent. It whispered about the ease of a car and feeding off of others. But, I could also feel an energy deep from within that was able to burn deeper than my critic had. It reminded me of my strength. It reminded me how much I was able to feel and love before moving to New York. It reminded me how much passion I had for medical school. I started to reflect on how easily I had given up before, and that regret suddenly began to lift the weight off my feet and fear from my shoulders.

I took a pause to catch my breath and realized how much land I had covered already. I felt my heart start to fill back to the size it was before, and the forest welcomed me in a tight embrace. I wiped the sweat from my head and began moving forward again.