I am in Austin now. Since I am en route to nowhere, I thought there would be no harm in making a stop, this time to explore the city. I was in a rush when passing through Houston. I had a war in my mind I did not want to confront at the time, but now I am at ease to face it – not quite, but exploring the streets by myself set the perfect introspective environment I was hoping for. I wander the streets and avenues, and my Lord! I knew cities are much more populous than towns like mine, but this is far beyond my expectation. Being in person among a multitude is different than seeing a large crowd through television or the window of my speeding car. I had noticed the big-city crowd before, but I hadn’t realized its electric power until this moment; the energy emanated from all the dodging and bumping on pedestrians wouldn’t let me ignore it. This is a whole new world, I thought. There is a lot more to experience in this land than what I could see through my window pane indeed. But the constant flux of people, aggressively walking towards and past me, does not let me forget that this experience is as fascinating as it is overwhelming.
I decided I had to go somewhere calm to focus better on what I had been thinking. After walking for a while, I spot a beautiful cozy park, where I decide to sit down by a water fountain. Alone with my thoughts, I started confronting my insecurities about this crazy idea of getting away to nowhere. I was unhappy in my hometown. I love my family, and I know they love me, but I do not think they understand me or what I have been going through. I do not belong in that place and there is not where I want to spend my life. At the same time, I cannot help feeling like I acted selfishly. Mother has worked her entire life to ensure that my sister and I had the best she could offer, yet I ran away without saying a proper goodbye, knowing that they would struggle with my sudden absence. Was I being ungrateful? Mom would say yes, I thought. I am almost convincing myself I made a terrible mistake. I could not deal with all these emotions, so I left and started wandering again to block those depressing thoughts from my mind.
About two blocks further I was approached by this old lady, very dark-skinned, hair as white as the clouds in a sunny day. At first, I did not understand a word she said because I was too distracted by my thoughts, but once I noticed her I was mesmerized by her looks. I come from a small town in Texas where the population is completely white. The only black person I have ever met was this boy in middle school who stayed with us for a week but dropped because of continuous harassment by the other white kids who did not accept a black in the same space as them. I just stood there admiring how young she looked for someone of her age. She asked me to help her walking towards her friend’s place, which was about four streets away. She looked somehow familiar, so I promptly accepted it because I needed that. For twenty minutes, I drifted away from my problems and listened to her telling me events of her life. Her name was Ida Mae, and she had fled to Southside Chicago during the 20’s with her children in the search for a better life. During that time, people like her did not have many goals in life where she lived. I learned that she used to work at her parents’ cotton farm and I immediately felt connected to her path, after all, I too had fled from my parents’ home because I did not envision milking cows as the future for me. I asked her if she had ever regretted leaving her family behind, especially her mother who remained alone after she left. Ida Mae had regrets, of course, as every other human. But she was sure she had to live her life and not others’ expectations of how her life should be. It sure hurt to leave her mom, but it would hurt even more to live somewhere where she could never find happiness. She did not even know, but her words were lifting me up and helping me get rid of some of the weight on my shoulders. I wanted to keep talking to her, know more about her, her life, her struggles, but when I realized we were already at her destination. She kissed me warmly on my forehead in appreciation for my help, and it felt like I was with family. I was refreshed and never felt readier in the past days to continue this journey. I am decided to make this my own epic quest.
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